Princess Bride Parody
by Shahrezad1
Summary: A Gundam Wing parody of the Princess Bride, very funny.
1. Prologue

A Gundam Bride by Shahrezad1 (Parody of 'The Princess Bride") Warning: shall contain more than a few Relena and Blondes-in-General jokes. Gomen. I'm a brunette. There shall also be some Duo jokes. Once again, I ask you to take them all in stride. Disclaimer: This isn't called a Parody and a Fanfic for nothing. I am poor. So Sue me. Actually, don't sue. I am poor. No money. *watches as a moth flies from her wallet* I state my case.  
  
"Thanks for inviting us over, Relena," Quatre said gratefully as he balanced several young girls snuggling him all at the same time.  
  
"It was no problem, I just hope you guys can come back again some time."  
  
"Uncle Quatre," one of the blonde damsels said, pouting up at her famous relative, "please can we come back? Please! Please!"  
  
Laughing, he hugged her tenderly, "we'll have to see what your Mom says. My sister will doubtlessly chew my head off if she finds I've spoiled you all."  
  
Hilde snorted as she entered the room, perching her son higher up on her hip, "Quatre, they're not spoiled and you know it. Give yourself some credit."  
  
"Well, if I do then Rashid says I get a big head and he really doesn't want to deal with a Duo copy 24-7," he grinned somewhat cheekily as the two females mock-kicked him.  
  
"Ooh, I will get revenge on you, Quatre Raberba Winner," Hilde vowed, shaking one finger at the young man and not noticing as her braided child began chewing on the end of her now shoulder-length black hair.  
  
"Revenge? Did I hear someone say revenge?" a seductive voice asked as a certain four-browed female entered the room.  
  
Relena smiled, "Quatre is going to receive retribution for bad jokes centering around Hilde's husband."  
  
Ah, "Dorothy smiled slowly, leaning against the wall and folding her arms across her chest, "for a minute there I thought I was going to watch Duo being chased around the room by Wufei again."  
  
Hilde sighed dejectedly, "does everyone enjoy making fun of my husband?!"  
  
There was a pause before everyone spoke in unison, "yes."  
  
Suddenly Heero appeared out of nowhere, a sleeping two year old laying in his arms. It was odd watching the former perfect soldier act so gentle with his child, even going so far as to twirl his callused fingers in the dark coils of his son's hair as the boy obliviously dozed.  
  
"Looks like he's finally drifted off," the now married man stated softly, trying to hand their child over to Relena. He was unsuccessful, however, as the gentle infant just snuggled closer to his father.  
  
She smiled softly and rested her head on his shoulder, "maybe you can hold him for a bit longer. It looks like we've got a Daddy's boy on our hand."  
  
Heero's eyes widened, as if he had just realized something profound: that there was now another life which depended upon him completely. There would be no running anymore, and somehow that relieved him.  
  
Quatre smiled and merely held two of Iria's three daughters tighter. The oldest was drowsily leaning against his leg, bored with the boring adult conversation while another sister's children, twin boys by the name of Adrian and Alecsander, were already being brought out to the car by Rashid. It was at that moment that he saw a flash of color on the back of one of his nieces' necks, making him frown. Abruptly he groaned as he saw something any parent would dread, "um...we have a problem, guys."  
  
What's that?" Hilde asked, blinking.  
  
"I think Kasey has chicken pox...and she's been playing with the other kids all day."  
  
The German woman paled as Relena jerked in surprise, then sighed wearily, "I'll go buy some Oatmeal and Camomile lotion. You should round up everyone in the largest parlor, Heero."  
  
Watching everyone with wide eyes he whispered to an empty room, "how's a chicken going to hurt the children....and why do you need lotion for it?"  
  
"So, you're all sick, are you?" a metal-eyed, grey-haired, claw-handed, old man asked a roomful of children. Most of their parents had gone to do some errands, whether it was shopping for food, starting up the baths, searching for extra pajamas, or mixing anti-itch poultices. In fact, the only two left among the horde of thirteen children were Trowa and Heero, who had surprising patience with the small babies of the group: both their sons.  
  
"Tell us a story, Grandpa J," Melody asked plaintively while scratching her arm with fervor, the oldest of Iria's daughters at 8 years old.  
  
"I could..." he let his words slip slowly into silence before Duo's first child, Threnody, sat forward and eagerly watched the older man, pouting.  
  
"Pwease, Pwease, Mthter J," the black haired 6 year old spoke through her missing two front teeth, "tell uth a thtory!"  
  
"The only way I'll tell you all a story is if you promise to do something for me," the old scientist finally said, chuckling behind his thick grey mustache and beard.  
  
Sonnet popped up, her red curls springing up along her head as she tried to get the doctor's attention. Trowa smiled slightly at his Niece's antics, "I'll feed the Lion for my Mom if you tell us!"  
  
One of Wufei's twin daughters gave her a scathing look, "you do that anyway, Ballad."  
  
"My name's not Ballad, it's Sonnet!"  
  
"Balad, Balad, Balad!" The black haired girl taunted, revealed to be the arrogant sister.  
  
Her twin, Li, sighed, her blue eyes flashing with fire, "will you grow up, Kim?"  
  
"Weak Onna," Kim shot back, sticking out her tongue.  
  
"Girls, girls," Doctor J finally said, calling everything to order, "how about we make a deal. I'll tell you a story so long as you don't fight or scratch at your spots. Is that okay?"  
  
"Yes, Mister J!" 


	2. The Beginning

There once was this peasant girl by the name of...Relena who lived on a farm in the Country of Sanq. She loved riding her horse and stalking a farm boy who worked there, who went by the name of....Heero, although she never addressed him by his name. She loved ordering him around, as if he was a servant to her Vice Foreign Minister...er...Princess.  
  
"Farm boy, could you varnish my horse's saddle?"  
  
"Roger That."  
  
'Roger That' was all he ever said to her.....making a very antisocial farm boy, if I do say so myself. In fact, he was better suited to become a perfect soldi-...never mind.  
  
"Farm boy, could you send these invitations to all my friends...please?"  
  
"Roger That."  
  
What she didn't realize for a long time was that every time he said 'Roger That', he really meant 'I'm going to kill you'.  
  
"J," Heero said warningly, shaking his head back and forth slowly as Trowa smirked beside him.  
  
Fine, fine. What he really meant was 'I want to Stalk you'.  
  
"Doctor J!"  
  
Alright, already. What he was really saying was 'I love you' in his antisocial, silent-as-stone way. Are you happy now! Well, anyway, she realized that she kinda wanted to stal-she loved him back, that is.  
  
"Farm boy, could you hand me that dish?"  
  
"Roger That..."he whispered as he handed it to her, his head held low. 


	3. Interruption and Departure

"Wait," Adrian, a ten year old with a stubborn streak not unlike his Uncle Quatre's, spoke,"is this is kissy story?"  
  
Alecsander scowled, catching onto what his brother was saying, "it better not be all kissy. Cooties are gross."  
  
"I thought you were out of that stage," Doctor J asked simply.  
  
"Cooties never go away," Kasey stated as Kim nodded emphatically.  
  
"What about Sword fighting? Is there any sword fighting or martial arts?" Li asked plaintively, watching the scientist with wide blue eyes.  
  
"Yes there is, just wait a moment. Patience is a virtue after all."  
  
Sonnet finally got one up on Kim, "then I guess your Dad is not all that virtuest...virtuetest? Well, he just doesn't have virtue."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
J frowned, "didn't I tell you not to fight."  
  
"Yes, Doctor J!"  
Anyway, Heero was a poor sod who stole his friend's Gundam Parts, so when that friend demanded recompense he was forced to go and seek his fortune elsewhere. It was a hard time for Relena, especially since she thought he was leaving so that they could marry....shows what she knows.  
  
"J!"  
  
Okay, so maybe he was looking for money so he could marry, as well. Can't you take a joke?  
  
"The Perfect Soldier doesn't joke."  
  
Right.....anyway, he had to leave and she was heartbroken.  
  
"Will I ever see you again Heero?" Relena asked in a plaintive voice, holding her clenched hands to her bosom like so many damsels in distress.  
  
"Hn...If I told you, I'd have to kill you," he stated flatly, a blank look in his Prussian blue eyes.  
  
Anxiously she latched herself onto his arm, tears streaming down her face, "What if you get killed?"  
  
"I will come back to protect you Relena, make no mistake about that. It is the only thing I can promise."  
  
"Do you love me? I promise I will love you forever, and ever!"  
  
"Um...hn."  
  
"This kiss will bring you good luck," she said quickly, and before he could react, kissed him on the lips. Although the Perfect Soldier had dealt with many things, this was not one of them.  
  
"....."He was, of course, in shock. 


	4. Heero's Death and an Announcement

Of course, as is wont to happen, Murphy's law screws everything up and Heero ran headlong into the clutches of the Dread Odin Lowe. But he was just called The Dread Perfect Soldier, because saying his real name makes it seem like he's some type of Japanese food. Well, the Dread Perfect Soldier had this rule that he never allowed anyone to live if they came near the ship...which was kinda stupid, if you think about it. Yes, Heero, was 'dead', and when Relena found out she neither slept nor ate.  
  
"He's dead?" Adrian grimaced, "already? That was a boring story."  
  
"It's not done yet so be patient."  
  
"Fine.."  
  
Five years later the courtyard of the Palace filled up with people over Prince Duo's Bride to be. He, of course, wasn't the one who was announcing it. Instead it was his somewhat conniving Advisor, Zechs Merquise, who was forcing him into this farce of a marriage.  
  
"In a Month the country of Sanq shall be having it's 500th anniversary, and on that day our Prince Duo shall take it upon himself to marry a girl of common heritage, like yourselves. Now introducing....Queen Relena!"  
  
Relena was both angry and sad, for although the law of the land stated that Duo could marry any woman he selected, neither she nor him had chosen this loveless marriage. The only time she felt truly happy was when she went out riding. 


	5. The Kidnapping and a Ride

Along the way she met up with three people on the road. Two were Arabians, a boy and a Giant-like man who kept saying 'Master Quatre', with the last being an innocent looking girl with kiwi-strawberry colored hair.  
  
"Excuse, Miss.....?"  
  
"Relena."  
  
"Yes, Miss Relena. We are lost circus performers and were wondering if there was a town nearby," the little girl asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.  
  
Relena frowned, "Circus performers? Isn't that Trowa and Catherine's jobs?"  
  
The eight year old shrugged her small shoulders, "they are playing other parts, so we got chosen. Besides, a giant was needed and that Mogwanac said that he wouldn't do it unless 'Master Quatre' was with him."  
  
"You have a point," Relena admitted before continuing, "anyway, there isn't another village for miles."  
  
"Then no one will hear you scream....Hey! I just thought of a funny quote 'In Space No One Can Hear Relena Scream'....hehehe," Mariemaia said to no one in particular. Rashid was busy gagging the blonde Queen while apologizing profusely.  
  
So they took her to the ship and Mariemaia, the conniving little brat she was, tied some material from an OZ soldier's uniform to Relena's horse so that it seemed like the OZ had kidnaped her, despite the fact that it was her father who was leading that group. Then when her body would be found on OZ land, they would be incriminated even more!  
  
"We shouldn't be killing anyone at all," the younger of the two Arabians protested, a swordsman going by the name of 'Quatre'.  
  
"Hey, I hired you to start a war for me! You should be glad to be in my service, and not my enemy," the little girl snobbishly lifted her nose, but still couldn't reach the boy's height, nor the Giant Mogwanac's.  
  
Rashid frowned disapproving, "you never said anything about killing anyone! I think this has gone too far."  
  
Am I going completely insane or did you just say 'think'?! You weren't hired to think, you were hired because you're BIG, you idiotic mountain of muscle!" Mariemaia insulted him cooly, not even breaking into a sweat.  
  
Quatre timidly interrupted, hesitantly raising one hand, "I guess I'll just have to agree with Mariemaia this time, then."  
  
"Oh, the Pacifist has finally gotten up the gumption to speak! I don't care what either of you think, I'm going to kill her anyway......after all, she's blonde, annoying, and wears a really tacky shade of pink," she stated the last in a matter of fact tone.  
  
Quatre frowned, crossing his arms across his chest, "hey! Don't diss pink!"  
  
"My apologies, I just have to deal with it every day and it gets rather annoying," she motioned toward her hair before clearing her throat and re- entering her tirade, "anyway, you were sitting in a cell spouting 'Let's Have Peace' when I found you, and he," she motioned with one hand toward the extremely tall Mogwanac, "were unemployed since his 'Master' was in jail! You both should thank me for my kindness."  
  
"Mariemaia, what a.....brat," Quatre muttered.  
  
Rashid smiled slowly, "our Arabian ruler, he is.....fat."  
  
"Still, she means no.....wrong."  
  
"Even if her speeches are.....long."  
  
"I didn't know you were a poet."  
  
"Talent's on trees, and I grow it."  
  
Mariemaia, of course, heard them, "silence, you idiots!"  
  
"Rashid, are there cliffs?"  
  
"If we die, we won't be missed."  
  
"You BAKAS! Just shut up!"  
  
"I'm in the mood for roasted duck."  
  
Quatre whispered one last comment, "sometimes she acts like such a witch."  
  
Rashid nodded, "I'd rather say that she's a bi-."  
  
Luckily they were interrupted by the sun going down, thus making it impossible for Rashid to finish his sentence.  
  
"Man, what I would do for my night goggles," Quatre muttered so low that his 'servant' was the only one who heard.  
  
Rashid frowned, "what do you mean?"  
  
"I think we're being followed."  
  
"That's absurd," Mariemaia sniffed arrogantly.  
  
Relena, having somehow removed the gag from her mouth (dang!), interrupted, "You'll be caught, and when you are Prince Duo will hang you......well, if he can get around his advisor, that is."  
  
"Absurd. You should we worrying about your own neck, Miss Relena. You're more likely to have someone hang YOU just to get you to shut up!" Mariemaia stated as she sneered, "and you can stop looking back there. No one's following us."  
  
Quatre looked skeptical, "you sure?"  
  
"Positive. But why do you ask?"  
  
The blonde shrugged, "no reason. I just happened to look back and see something that looked like a boat."  
  
She squinted delicately, then shrugged, "it's probably some pearl diver....or seal killer....or crab hunter....or whatever those poor people that live by the sea do for a living."  
  
Quatre gave her a dead panned expression, "you mean a fisherman."  
  
"Yeah, what you just said. But don't worry, we'll be safe........we are, after all, in Shrieking Eel infested waters." 


	6. The Shrieking EelsThe First Explanation

Relena, being a blonde, decided to ignore Mariemaia's obvious foreshadowing and jumped out of the side of the boat. One of the stage crew also somehow got a hold of a copy of the 'Jaws' soundtrack and it began playing dramatically in the background.  
  
"What a blonde," Mariemaia stated flatly as she watched the girl go overboard, "even I'm not that dumb."  
  
"No comment," Quatre muttered.  
  
Rashid added his two cents, " I plead the fifth."  
  
The red haired kid turned to glare at them before pointing toward the 'Queen' floating in the water, her skirt up over her head, "fetch, boys!"  
  
The younger of the two cleared his throat calmly, "I think you seem to forget that we are both from Arabia, a place of NO WATER. We do not know how to swim."  
  
She growled, "then get on your life jackets, you fools! Don't you know safety regulations?!" Suddenly thrashing was heard in the water and she giggled maliciously, "I suggest you get back into the ship, or you'll be eaten by Shrieking Eels. They shriek when they smell the flesh of blondes, so I suggest you hurry up. If you come back I won't harm you.....much."  
  
"She doesn't die....unluckily," Doctor J muttered the last part under his breath, but the children heard it anyway.  
  
Sonnet sighed happily, "good! I like Queen Relena."  
  
"I'm just telling you guys because the boys over there are looking a bit nervous," he snickered as all the girls turned to stare at the two males.  
  
Adrian and Alecsander stiffened as the former spoke, "we are not!"  
  
Kim smirked, "yes, you are!"  
  
Alecsander exchanged a look with his brother before speaking up, "even if we are, it's not our fault. You try living with 29 female pacifists in your family, then see how YOU turn out."  
  
"Big wordth for a little man, "Threnody stated with a smile that took the sting out of her words. The boy in question merely blushed and stayed completely mute.  
  
"If you munchkins are going to flirt, I can stop right now," Doctor J warned, slightly disgusted by the display his creations' progeny were putting on....and at ages under ten, too!  
  
"We are NOT flirting," Kim stated stubbornly, scowling.  
  
Li rolled her eyes, "just continue the story, Doc."  
  
He cleared his throat and began again, " 'Then get on your life jackets you foo-."  
  
"We already did that," Sonnet stated calmly, settling herself down.  
  
"Right, right....um....so Mariemaia sends out her ultimatum and Relena decides to listen to the kid's advice....smart blonde." 


End file.
